Fic: Through the Years (part 2)
Dec. 22nd, 2011 02:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mini_fest_mod posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
mini_festTitle: Through The Years
Author: ???
Rating: R
Characters: Padma Patil/Millicent Bulstrode
Prompt: #71 Femslash, pleaseeeeeee.
I'm not even picky on the couple, I'd just like to see two women enjoying their first (or second or twentieth or fiftieth, you get the idea) Christmas or Yule together, by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dexstarr
Warnings: None
Summary: The events of one short night change Padma’s life forever.
Word Count: ~13K
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: First of all a big massive spanking thank you to C for helping me pick the pairing for this and for the cheerleading, it was great fun writing this and without you I would never have had the opportunity to do this and I’m so incredibly glad I did! *squishes* Also thank you and hugs and kisses and flowers and shiny things to her and G. I hope you both know that I love you something fiercely and that I mostly wrote this fic for both of you! <3 Thank you also to E (I love you) for an additional beta to those of C and G who did a super fantastic job, who told me if things I wanted to do didn’t work and have been nothing but supportive and brilliant! Thank you also for letting me run stuff past you when I couldn’t figure it out by myself. Thank you to K for the handholding, you are wonderful and I fucking adore you! Another thank you goes to V for looking at something with new eyes and telling me whether it worked. You’ve all been wonderful and I appreciate you more than I can express in words.
A big shout-out of eternal gratitude and love goes out toalisanne for writing a fic that made me see Millicent in a new light and appreciate her as a character. Without you, my darling and your awesomeness and love, this would never have happened. Thank you!
Thanks todexstarr for the prompt, I hope this fic is somewhat along the lines of what you were hoping for. I was really happy to see a femme!slash prompt out there and had to do it. :)
Thank you to the mods for their patience and for making this awesome fest available. ♥ I wasn’t even going to take part in any seasonal fests and then you made it all special and shiny for me! ♥
And to everyone else, this is my first attempt at femme!slash, I’ve been wanting to write some for a while and with C’s first inspiration I found I enjoyed it quite immensely. Thanks for having me!
Acknowledgements: The stanza at the beginning of the fic is a direct quote from that brilliant Christmas song “Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas” I was thinking of either the version by Mel Torme or the one by Tori Amos; thank you to my entire f-list for their input on what the bloody hell one does in a coffee shop when waiting for somebody; and on top of everything, there’s a line in this fic I shamelessly stole from that beautiful 2006 adaption of Jane Eyre, staring Toby Stephens and Ruth Wilson, also, that second to last scene was totally inspired by it as well.
Through The Years - Part 2
“Excuse me, is that seat taken?” A woman from a few tables over that had been eying her for a while asked, before pointing at the chair next to Padma.
“I’m sorry, but I’m waiting for someone.” Padma said. The woman in front of her was beautiful. While she was in a stable relationship that had everything she wanted, she was still able to appreciate beauty if she found it. Padma was happy, utterly, sickeningly, overwhelmingly happy with Millie. Some days she still wondered why Millie had chosen her, why she was so incredibly lucky, but she’d long ago learned that happiness couldn’t be explained or rationalised, it could only be felt and appreciated. Even questioning it hadn’t made it go away.
Padma was so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she didn’t even notice that the woman had slumped into the seat in front of her. She must have been talking for quite a while and misinterpreted Padma’s dreamy look as interest instead of what it was.
“So, as I was saying, my friends and I are going to this great party later tonight, would you like to come. That is seeing as your date has stood you up and everything.” The woman flashed her a charming smile and if Padma had been less content with her situation than she currently was, she would probably at least have been tempted, as it was, that was not the case.
“No, thank you. I’m going to a party with my girlfriend.”
The woman’s face fell, she’d probably never been rejected before. She seemed to be the kind of person who got whatever they wanted. Luckily, so did Padma’s girlfriend and for some reason, the only thing that Millie wanted was her. The woman refused to leave, unwilling to concede defeat, turning that could otherwise have been considered as flattering into something plain annoying.
“No, really, you don’t have to make up a girlfriend. I promise you it’ll be fun.” The woman reached for Padma’s knee and patted it.
“What the fuck?” Padma said, fuming. “Do I have to spell it out for you? Piss off already!” People trying to get between her and Millie still made her furious.
“Listen you little…” Padma ignored her and instead fixed her eyes on the door where she saw Millie entering the coffee shop.
Padma’s heart still beat faster every time she saw her, today was no exception. When Millie walked into the coffee shop, she couldn’t help the goofy smile that spread over her features. Millie brushed some snow off her shoulders and stomped her boots before looking around, trying to find Padma.
Padma waved, getting up and still ignoring the ranting woman beside her. Millie’s smile was brilliant as she saw her and it took less than a minute for her to cross the entire length of the coffee shop and reach Padma’s table. She wrapped Padma in a warm embrace, smelling of cinnamon and mulled wine and something decidedly Millie. She tasted of mulled wine and cinnamon too and Padma smiled against Millie’s lips. When she looked up, the woman who had annoyed her so was gone.
“I’m sorry I’m late.” Millie whispered, still pressing Padma close.
“What happened? I was about to order a second Towanda without you.” Padma replied.
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“Oh, you know I would!” Padma grinned. “And then I’d eat it and kiss you still tasting of it, refusing to let you order one for yourself until I couldn’t taste it on my tongue anymore. You of all people should know what a sensitive tongue I have.”
Millie smacked Padma’s backside slightly and despite her earlier bravado, Padma blushed bright red. Millie knew exactly that Padma didn’t like that kind of behaviour, at least not in public, which is probably why she did it.
“Millie!” She hissed, taking hold of her arm before she could smack her backside again. Millie only grinned in response then leaned in to whisper in her ear.
“That’s for ordering the first one without me.” Millie’s chuckle was warm and her breath hitting Padma’s skin made her shiver. She began regretting meeting in such a public setting, because if they’d been at home this would have led to so much more.
~.o.O.0.O.o.~
Padma hated Christmas parties; all this forced joviality was making her sick. Why did one have to be happy around Christmas? She never understood that. Getting presents and time off from school to study was sort of nice, but all the other stuff around it, the rushing to decorate, buy presents and most all the being jolly part completely eluded her. And she was smart enough to know there was nothing wrong with her, she might be what people called reserved, but she did know what joy felt like. What all the excitement was about and why she should be scared of or happy about an elderly morbidly obese man in a red coat had made no sense to her, even as a child when one was supposed to believe in such things.
Padma stared down into her half-empty cup of mulled wine. A certain radish-earring wearing girl from her dorm would probably call it half-full, even if that meant it was half-full of Nargles. Padma had no idea why she was even here, at the annual inter house Christmas Party. The last place in the world to find peace and quiet was any Christmas Party, but any such party held at Hogwarts was ten times worse, especially since everyone in the room was old enough to drink and the standards of conversation were falling by the minute. She was ready to give up and go back to her dormitory when someone pinched her in the bottom. Padma would have slapped him but the boy laughed so hard that he fell over, toppling a Christmas tree in the process. She couldn’t help a private smile when the fairy lights began winding around him, tying him up more tightly than a long distance parcel.
Still, it was time to leave, she decided. Padma deposited her half-empty cup on a nearby table and headed for the door and that’s when she saw her. Millie, dressed in Muggle men’s evening wear. They hadn’t talked, not even once since that incident last year and still Padma felt herself trembling at the sight of the girl in front of her. Millie obviously hadn’t seen her. Padma watched her stride into the room as if she owned the place and to Padma she did. Millie inclined her head to the people she knew, lifting off her top hat on occasion and winking if the recipient of such attention blushed.
The Muggle suit must have been tailor made or been adjusted by magic, because it fit her to perfection. Millie was wearing a white waistcoat, a black dress coat with long tails that reached down to her knees and a white bow-tie. Her hair was slicked back and the entire ensemble was finished with a brilliant black top hat. Padma was frozen in place, lucky for her, she had stopped somewhere away from the bright light of the floating candles and couldn’t be seen easily. If anyone had been close enough they would have seen her hands shake as they involuntary moved up to her lips.
Millie was talking to that girl again, Bridget. Oh, how Padma had cursed her existence. But to her surprise, the conversation was short and there was none of the warmth she had seen in Millie’s features whenever she usually talked to Bridget. Bridget was pouting and seeing that almost drove Padma up the wall, because she knew how that pout affected Millie. Millie however just leaned in putting one hand to Bridget’s chest and Padma thought she could see her mouthing a “grow up”, before turning away and continuing across the room.
Padma realised that Millie was heading straight towards her. Millie couldn’t have seen her; she knew she was standing too far to the side and in the shadow for that to happen. Millie was coming ever closer and Padma didn’t know what to do. She felt like she should hide away, being with Millie terrified her more than anything else ever had. She had no control over herself when it came to Millie and maybe that was the scariest thing about it, but then, that one time she’d been with her had been liberating. Padma’s eyes had been opened to the fact of why some things had never worked out for her. Afterwards she hadn’t been able to put Millie out of her mind. Millie was almost upon her and she would walk past her without a single word. Padma’s heart hurt her, it beat so fast. The thought alone of letting Millie walk past her again made her ache in a way she had become all too familiar with.
And when it was almost too late, the small part of her, that was like her sister perked up. Without any conscious thought, she moved forward, stepping into Millie’s way and resting her hand upon her arm. Millie just looked at her, apparently considering it Padma’s turn to initiate anything further. It took Padma an embarrassingly long time to find her voice and when she did, it was trembling, much like her entire body.
“Dance with me, please,” was all Padma managed before falling silent. Where had that come from? She didn’t even know how to dance.
Padma didn’t dare meet Millie’s eyes. At least Millie wasn’t pulling away from her, Padma reasoned. Eventually Millie’s hand covered hers on her arm and for a moment Padma was scared that it was just to pry her trembling fingers off of her, but Millie squeezed her hand reassuringly and led her onto the dance floor.
At first they just stood there, Padma not knowing what to do and becoming increasingly aware of people watching her. She wanted to flee, to run from what scared her so much, but her feet refused to move. Millie eventually took pity on her, and pulled her slowly closer. Padma couldn’t stop staring at her own feet, but let Millie take her hands and place them on her hips, covering them with her own hands. Padma was hypnotised by the swaying motion of Millie’s hips. She wasn’t surprised when Millie’s hands eventually moved to her hips and showed her how to move them in rhythm with her own.
“See, like this. It’s not so scary at all, is it?” Millie asked.
“N-no.” Padma forced out, still unable to look up.
“Then let me show you something else. It’s nice, I promise.” Padma could hear the smile in Millie’s voice and that gave her courage. She looked up as Millie pulled Padma’s arms up and placed them on her shoulders, while wrapping her own hands around Padma’s middle and pulling her closer. Padma’s face was cradled into Millie’s neck and she inhaled her unique scent. Things felt both more tense and relaxed at the same time, Padma closed her eyes, ignoring everything around them letting the music wash over her and revelling in the feeling of Millie’s arms surrounding her.
Millie’s hair tickled her face and Padma loved everything about it. She loved being held, loved Millie taking charge and guiding her every move. She wasn’t prepared when Millie let go of her and spun her around, but just like that she was returned into Millie’s embrace only now her back was pressed against Millie’s front. Padma could feel Millie’s heart beating through her chest--she was as excited as Padma--and that finally stopped her feeling scared. Padma leaned into Millie and felt her breath catch in her throat when Millie nuzzled that soft space just below her ear. A shudder ran through her and she shakily exhaled, not daring to move more for fear Millie would stop her delightful ministrations. Her eyes fluttered shut as she lost herself in the sensation.
The first cat calls brought her out of her daze and she tried to disentangle herself from Millie’s embrace, her face hot with embarrassment. Millie wouldn’t let go and it took her a while to realise that the cat calls were due to some girl who had taken off her bra now dancing on a table. This party was quickly descending into something in which Padma wanted no part and this time when she tried to move away, Millie let her.
“I think we should go,” Millie said and Padma couldn’t agree more. Her heart fluttered in her chest like an excited bird and she allowed Millie to lead her from the room.
Outside the air was much fresher and cooler. Padma could still hear the far-off beat of the music and unresistingly let herself be pulled into a dark alcove. Reminiscent of the first time Millie had kissed her, it wasn’t long before Padma’s back connected with cold stone. Her arms hung limp by her side, and her hands rested against the rough wall. Millie however didn’t touch her. She moved close enough for them to be almost nose to nose and then rested her elbows against the wall. Just waiting and looking at Padma, who could feel her heart speeding up under such scrutiny. She was overwhelmed by the need to move forward, to be as close to Millie as possible, but she couldn’t move.
“Patil, what do you want me to do?” Millie asked, her voice dark and full of promise.
Padma couldn’t stand it, any of it.
“I… I want you to call me Padma.”
Millie chuckled darkly. “I think I can do that. Is there anything else I can do for you, Padma?”
Padma couldn’t speak, she tilted her head slightly, brushing her lips against Millie’s. When she wasn’t denied, Padma pressed her lips more firmly against Millie’s and deepened the kiss. They weren’t touching anywhere but at the lips and still her entire body was infused with a heat so strong that Padma feared she might burst into flames.
~.o.O.0.O.o.~
“So, what kept you?”
Millie sat down beside Padma; her eyes alight with mirth, and began to tell her of what had happened. Padma loved it when Millie’s face reflected her emotions like that.
“So, I ran into Pansy at Borgin and Burkes. I know what you are going to say, Padma, but you didn’t receive that cursed Quick Quotes Quill for Christmas like I did, not even incinerating worked and, to be honest, I was growing tired of it taking notes every time we slept together.”
Padma’s hand went straight to her mouth. She hadn’t known this, all she knew was that Millie had received a Quick Quotes Quill that refused to take any notes when spoken to. She flushed again.
“So, that time I allowed you to use my school tie…” her voice drifted off. This really was no conversation for a public place.
“Yes. That one, too. It took me all week to figure out where that incessant scratching noise came from. I thought I was going bonkers!” Millie quickly squeezed Padma’s fingers and she was grateful for the reassurance. “As I was saying, I ran into Pansy in the shop. I think she was trying to buy something to take revenge on some guy. I’ll never get why she needs to make every relationship end with a bang, especially since her latest conquest was already on her arm, carrying her shopping. She invited us to her New Year’s Eve Bash, but I said we already had other plans. Unless you want to go?”
Padma shook her head.
“She told me she’d just had to move into a new flat because her ex had kicked her out after finding out about her current lover. Apparently he incinerated all of her belongings and now all she has left is an empty apartment, a mattress, that boy toy of hers and a filthy temper. And in true Pansy-tradition she has decided to celebrate this fact by an extensive shopping spree followed by inebriation. I promised to look in on her next week to help with the decorating. I said we’d both help. I hope that’s okay.”
“Sure.” Padma nodded this time, smiling as she remembered one of those post-split-up parties Pansy had thrown. They were usually incredibly bizarre but lots of fun. And Pansy could afford it, too. Her first husband had cheated on her and even though she had vanished his bollocks in revenge, he had been forced by the court to leave her a sizeable divorce settlement.
“What?” Millie was grinning at her shrewdly.
“Do you remember our first Christmas together?”
Padma couldn’t help but laugh at this, oh did she ever! They had just moved in together. Or rather, they had planned to move in together after Christmas, but both of them had to vacate their flats earlier than expected, which is how they ended up with nowhere to go on Christmas Eve, their flat bare but for a single Christmas tree and a sofa. They had ordered the first take-out that would deliver on Christmas Eve and curled up on the sofa together, watching the tree and plotting what to do about the flat the next day. Despite the mess of having to move on Christmas Eve, it was her favourite Christmas to this day.
“Yes, God! Sometimes, I think I can still feel the armrest of the sofa digging into my back!”
“Well, I don’t remember you complaining about it at the time…” Millie winked at her.
Padma was overcome just with how much she cared for her girlfriend. She impulsively leant over and took Millie’s hand.
“Do you ever wonder how we ended up like this?” Padma asked.
“No. I don’t wonder. I know.”
~.o.O.0.O.o.~
Padma was cold despite the roaring fire. She was staring at the cheerful lights of their Christmas tree, wrapped in their favourite blanket and trying not to cry. Padma understood why she had had to leave; family first, or so the saying went and still it hurt more than she was willing to admit. Christmas might be the time for family, but Millie had become hers and it was tearing her up inside to be separated from her on this night.
At first Padma had thought she would be able to bear it, but as the time drew nearer and she had to watch Millie pack her things and shrink them, her heart had become heavy. Padma had become very quiet, like she used to be, before she met Millie. In the end she’d left the flat they both shared under the pretence of having to run some last minute errands, when in reality, Padma just couldn’t bear to watch her leave.
Millie had held her close, telling her to soldier up. She said she would be back in a few days and that they’d have a proper Christmas together then. Padma had nodded and smiled, but she knew it hadn’t reached her eyes. How could she be expected to be happy at the prospect of having to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by herself?
The fairy lights swam in front of her eyes. She was no longer able to blink back the tears. Everything was ruined without Millie. Padma had promised herself she wouldn’t cry, she would understand and be reasonable. She had decided to sit down by the tree, read a bit and then get an early night. But it had all gone to hell, when she’d seen the present she’d bought for Millie, still wrapped under the tree, waiting for her to come home and claim it.
They were supposed to meet up with friends during Christmas day. One of them had rented time in an ice rink for them and before Padma had found out that she was going by herself, she had actually looked forward to it. Millie didn’t know how to ice skate and Padma had already envisioned what it would be like to teach her. While both of them still had family, to Padma them being together had become such a big part of her life that she had begun to think of herself and Millie as their own small family. Where Millie was, was her home and there she would always be, with the woman who held her heart so fast, yet tenderly.
Her entire being ached with being parted from Millie. It was stupid, really, but she couldn’t help herself; couldn’t help feeling this way as she couldn’t help her heart beating and her lungs drawing breath. The sadness had begun pervading her the minute the door had closed on Millie. Padma hadn’t been able to bear watching her walk down the small path in front of their home; couldn’t bear watching her growing ever smaller as she walked down the street through the bitter wind, her feet probably crunching with every step for all the snow and salt on the streets.
Padma cried herself to sleep that night, wrapped tightly in the blanket that smelled like Millie. She had wrapped her arms around herself, shaking and sobbing. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks burnt hot, reddened from the salt in her tears. Padma knew she didn’t make a pretty picture and she couldn’t have cared less. She didn’t remember how long she had lain awake, before exhaustion finally claimed her.
She woke a few times during the night but couldn’t make herself get up and go upstairs to sleep in a cold and empty bed. When the fire died down, she began to shiver and slept even more fitfully than before, her dreams filled with images of Millie leaving her behind.
When soft hands brushed hair off her forehead and warm lips pressed a kiss there, Padma didn’t even know whether she was still dreaming or not. She didn’t dare open her eyes, lest reality intruded on this tiny perfect moment that was all hers. The hands came back and stroked and cradled her face in an all too familiar manner. Padma pressed her cheek into the palm of one and reached out to stroke the back of the other with her own.
“Hey.”
Padma couldn’t bear it anymore; she opened her eyes and was glad to see that she wasn’t still dreaming. Millie was kneeling beside the sofa on the thick carpet and looking at her. She was still dressed in a heavy travelling cloak and it looked as if she’d just walked straight here from the door. Padma turned her face, and catching it between her lips and hand, pressed a kiss into the palm of Millie’s hand. What felt like a million questions, but what she knew to be maybe four or five, chased each other around inside her head and she couldn’t quite make up her mind as to which one to ask first.
Why was Millie here? Had something happened? Why had she come back?
“You silly woman,” Millie said fondly, pressing another kiss to Padma’s forehead. “Why didn’t you go to bed?”
“It didn’t feel right.” Padma mumbled, feeling groggy from lack of sleep. “I didn’t want to…” sleep alone, she wanted to say, but couldn’t get the words out. With most things, Padma was incredibly rational, she always listened to her brain, not her heart, because the heart wasn’t smart, it just wanted and desired and usually got her into trouble. When it came to Millie, her brain was no help at all. Where Millie was concerned she was all heart and soul, she was all longing and wanting and desire and in recent years, love. Rationalising what Padma felt for her had never worked, not even when she’d first become aware of her. The intensity of her feelings made her shy still. Padma never had trouble putting her thoughts into words, never. But speaking of her feelings towards Millie always made her feel vulnerable and small and most of the time she was unable to finish her sentences. Luckily Millie seemed to have an extra sense, because she understood Padma anyway.
Millie stood up in one smooth motion and then gathered Padma up in her arms, blanket and all. Padma wrapped her arms around Millie’s neck, like a damsel in distress would have and didn’t mind one bit. She nuzzled her face into Millie’s neck and was content to remain just where she was, feeling utterly cherished and safe. Millie kissed the crown of her head and then carefully carried her up to their bedroom. Padma was lowered down with a tenderness that she knew was all for her. Millie shrugged out of her coat and carelessly let it drop to the floor, toeing of her boots while never breaking eye-contact. She advanced on Padma like a tigress, making her feel both like prey and treasure. Padma shivered in anticipation. She was not to be disappointed.
*****************
When finally they lay beside each other, staring up at the ceiling, feeling sated and happy, Padma felt it was alright to ask the questions, she’d been mulling over earlier. She reached for Millie, taking her hand and bringing it up for a kiss before intertwining their fingers and resting their hands on her chest.
“Why are you back so early?” she asked, desperately needing to know.
Millie turned her face towards her and when Padma still stared at the ceiling, she squeezed her hand once and began to speak.
“Look at me, please.”
Padma couldn’t help but obey. She felt too open, too raw; her emotions too close to the surface after their earlier activities and still too hurt, because Millie hat left her at all. Facing her was the last thing Padma wanted to do. Millie began stroking the back of her hand while speaking, obviously not even aware she was doing it.
“Listen, I’m sorry.” Millie said, obviously sensing the question Padma had been desperately trying not to ask, because it would make her seem like a jealous, insecure fool. “I knew I shouldn’t have left the minute that door closed behind me. Christmas is about family and sticking together.” Padma’s felt her face close up to Millie and started tugging at her hand, trying to get Millie to let go. “No, Padma, you aren’t listening to me. My point is, you are my family, too. I spent the entire night lying awake, trying to figure out what had made leaving seem like a good idea and I couldn’t come up with a single reason as to why I wasn’t with you. When I realised that, I packed my things, left a note for my aunt and came straight here.”
Padma took a shuddering breath when she heard those words.
“I guess what I’m saying is that I want to be with you, want to share my life with you, every day.”
Padma threw herself at Millie then, kissing her possessively. Her mind filled by a single word, which seemed to repeat itself over and over again. And she thought it with a fierce kind of joy. Mine!
Millie laughed, pulling her close and gently stroking her lower back.
Pressing kisses all over Millie’s face, throat and neck, Padma’s words came out slightly mangled. “Merlin, I’ve waited forever for you to say that!”
Millie pinched Padma in her backside, making her screech in mock outrage. She retaliated by tickling Millie until she begged for mercy. Millie suddenly became serious again, she cradled Padma’s face in her hands, holding Padma’s gaze with her own. “I really mean what I said, you know that, right?”
“Yes.” Padma whispered, “I feel the same way.”
Millie flipped them over so they were lying side by side again, facing each other, entangling her legs with Padma’s and wrapping an arm around her middle, caressing her skin.
“I’m glad.” She continued stroking Padma’s hip. “It’s still early; do you think we could have a lie-in and meet your friends a bit later? I know you’ve been looking forward to teaching me how to ice skate.”
“All right,” Padma replied. She had got the best Christmas present ever. Not many people were that lucky, she knew. She smiled contently, before letting her eyes drift shut.
“Oh and Millie?”
“Yes.”
“Happy Christmas!”
~.o.O.0.O.o.~
They are the last patrons to be ushered out of the coffee shop. It’s cold outside and their breath rise into the starlit night sky in small white clouds. Millie tugs Padma’s scarf around her neck, making sure her skin is covered and then hoisting her in for a tender kiss, while behind them the lit sign proclaiming “Top of the Muffin” flickers once and then gets turned off.
There’s hardly anyone around at this time. Most people are already at parties or at home with their family and friends. Padma shrinks their shopping bags and stuffs them in the pockets of her coat, she’s clumsy because of her mittens and cursing herself inwardly, but when she looks up and sees the fond look on Millie’s face, she doesn’t mind all that much anymore.
Millie reaches for her and intertwines their hands. Their feet make crunching noises with every step and even though most of the snow has already turned into slush, it doesn’t seem to reduce the beauty of the moment.
They can hear children laugh and then the sound of firecrackers going off in the distance. The entire street is suddenly lit as a skyrocket quickly ascends and then burst into glittering stars, showering them in golden sparks. A plume of white smoke is all that is left afterwards and Padma cannot keep her eyes off it, as it slowly dissipates. She tightens her hold on Millie’s hand. She doesn’t know what the future holds, doesn’t know whether love will stay with her, but for now she has Millie and if tonight goes well, she’ll have her forever.
~.o.O.0.O.o.~
They lay naked beside each other, panting and bodies still glistening with sweat. This was not the first time they had been together. They were both exhausted, from weeks of fear of hiding from the Carrows, from persecution. The weight of the inevitable battle in front of them brought them to their knees some days. They had been forced to grow up too fast and it had become more and more difficult to steal these small moments away from everything, when it was just the two of them.
They hadn’t talked about the war, about where their loyalties lay and it was beginning to eat Padma up inside that she didn’t know, could never be sure. This thing they had was still new to her, it seemed so fragile when they were apart and she was terrified of breaking it by asking. At the same time she felt bad for not trusting Millie, for not being able to believe in her. There was so much Padma still didn’t know about her and it almost drove her crazy. Despite all her perceptibility, Padma sometimes needed things spelled out for her. What she feels was always so confusing, so intense, it defied rational thought.
She treasured these moments of clarity, just after everything reached its peak and she was slowly carried back to reality. The need to feel was still strong, but in these moments of blissful fatigue rational thought intruded, not like the dear friend it once was, but the enemy that had just broken down the gates.
She needed to ask her, needed to do it now. Padma had to make sure that everything was fine and would be even after the war. But all that she managed was not even a sound but a single shaky breath, exhaled too slowly to even bring relief. If only words weren’t such a necessity, if only she could communicate without having to utter them.
Talking had become harder with every passing day, fear of what was to come wouldn’t leave her alone and as much as could be communicated by touch and looks, it wasn’t enough. Was Millie even thinking about these things, she wondered. Or was this just something to pass the time, while the bombs fell, only to return out into the world afterwards, when the skies had cleared. Would Millie go and find someone else, the moment she had better choices?
Padma couldn’t bear it anymore; she turned her face away, feeling herself tense up. She should leave. She swung her legs out of bed, hissing slightly as her feet hit the cold stone floor of the dungeons. Padma began to shiver and it spread from her thighs to her stomach. Even wrapping her arms around her didn’t seem to help like it used to. She felt vulnerable in Millie’s gaze; which she could feel boring into her back. Leaving would be the better choice. It wouldn’t do to break down and cry now, nobody wanted to see that, least of all Millie. Padma still didn’t know why she was even still with her, when there were so many more attractive options out there.
She could hear the rustle of the bed sheets as Millie shifted behind her. The mattress dipped under her weight as she climbed over to Padma, kneeling behind her and wrapping her strong arms around her waist. Padma could feel her naked breasts press into her back and still couldn’t make herself relax.
“Hey, are you leaving? What’s wrong?” Millie sounded genuinely concerned.
“I don’t know.” Do you want me to? Padma wanted to ask, one sentence too many she would never be able to make herself say out loud.
“Come back to bed so we can talk about it.”
Padma nodded mutely, allowing Millie to pull her back into bed, covering her shivering frame with her own much sturdier body. Padma felt safe and protected in Millie’s embrace. She reached up to gently hold onto Millie’s wrist, while Millie was caressing her face. It was impossible not to look into her eyes. Padma felt exposed to her soul.
“So tell me, what’s wrong? Is it because of what’s to come?”
It took Padma a long time to find her voice.
“Yes and no. I think we both know which side is going to win this war. He has always come through for us in the end. I don’t think You-Know-Who can beat him. I have to believe it, because a world in which he can win is not a world I want to live in.” And there it was, she’d finally said it out loud. Would now be the moment that Millie turned on her?
Millie was quiet for a long time, longer than Padma was comfortable with; even Millie’s caressing of her hair had stopped. Padma wanted to be anywhere but where she was, she was trapped under Millie’s weight even though it was mostly resting on her own elbows and not Padma herself. She wanted to fight her way out from underneath her and yet she couldn’t even move. She was paralyzed, trapped in Millie’s intense gaze, unable to even so much as draw breath. Her hand against Millie’s grew limp and when it slipped away, it finally spurred Millie into action. She cradled Padma’s face in her big hands, stroking her cheeks and leaning down once to kiss her, before speaking.
“That’s not a world I want to live in either.” Padma was so relieved by those words that she couldn’t reply for a moment and when she did it was entirely non-verbally. Her hands were back on Millie, running all over her back and hips and then pressing her so close Padma was sure she could hear her rib cage creak. She buried her face in Millie’s hair, willing herself not to cry.
“I…” she never managed to finish that sentence, because soft lips were pressed firmly against hers. When she stopped struggling and melted into the kiss, Millie pulled back, going back to stroking Padma’s face and throat.
“You silly creature! Of course I don’t want him to win! Why didn’t you just ask me?”
Padma couldn’t even make herself answer that question.
“Was it one of those things, where you care too much and can’t find the right words, so you don’t say anything at all?”
Padma was stunned. How had Millie known? She could only nod.
“I thought so. I tried to show you through my actions how much I care for you but I figured out that wasn’t enough anymore. Do you trust me now? Trust me enough to tell me how you feel?”
She took a deep breath to calm herself; she couldn’t look at Millie and say this without making it feel like some kind of betrayal.
“You have to leave. They’ll find you and hunt you down. It’s not safe!”
“And I suppose it’s safe for you to stay? So taking a few defence classes turned you into some kind of super soldier?” Millie replied angrily. “Look at me, Padma. Is that what you think, that I can’t take care of myself? I just told you that I cared about you, that I wanted to be with you and now you want me to leave? Where’s the logic in that?”
Millie tried to pull away, but this time it was Padma who held her fast.
“No, listen, that’s not what I meant at all.” If only she could find the right words! “If our side wins, they’ll think you were involved somehow and…and I couldn’t bear it if they tried to lock you away.”
Millie pondered on this some more and took her time before replying.
“Why can’t I fight with you, then?”
“They’ll think that you are a spy or something. All the Slytherins are leaving Millie, if you stay behind, it won’t be safe for you.”
“Come with me, then.”
“You know I can’t. I have to stay here. We will win and I need to be here to make that happen. I can’t leave and worry about everyone else and I can’t stay and fight without knowing you are safe. Please, Millie, stay safe, for me.”
“How can your flesh be so soft, yet your mind be so unyielding?” Millie’s voice sounded both resigned and curious at the same time. Padma knew Millie would leave like she had asked and it broke her heart.
“Don’t be reckless, Padma. Promise me you’ll be careful?”
“I will.”
“And promise me something else?”
“Anything.”
“Promise me you’ll look me up, when the war is over, all right? If that hasn’t been clear by now, I want you with me. There is no one I want more.”
***********
Padma’s heart was heavy as she watched Millie leave with the others. It had been the right choice, hadn’t it? Millie turned around once more, finding Padma’s eyes and motioning to her right robe pocket. They had said their quiet farewells earlier, far away from everyone else, they had hugged and kissed and Padma had tried and failed not to cry.
When they had left and everyone began to bustle around once more to finish the last of the preparations, Padma snuck away. She needed some fresh air. When she reached one of the smaller courtyards, she sat down on a bench and reached into her pocket. There was a small folded piece of parchment inside. She unfolded it carefully, spreading and flattening it softly against her thigh. Padma took a deep, calming breath and began to read.
~ fin ~
Author: ???
Rating: R
Characters: Padma Patil/Millicent Bulstrode
Prompt: #71 Femslash, pleaseeeeeee.
I'm not even picky on the couple, I'd just like to see two women enjoying their first (or second or twentieth or fiftieth, you get the idea) Christmas or Yule together, by
dexstarrWarnings: None
Summary: The events of one short night change Padma’s life forever.
Word Count: ~13K
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: First of all a big massive spanking thank you to C for helping me pick the pairing for this and for the cheerleading, it was great fun writing this and without you I would never have had the opportunity to do this and I’m so incredibly glad I did! *squishes* Also thank you and hugs and kisses and flowers and shiny things to her and G. I hope you both know that I love you something fiercely and that I mostly wrote this fic for both of you! <3 Thank you also to E (I love you) for an additional beta to those of C and G who did a super fantastic job, who told me if things I wanted to do didn’t work and have been nothing but supportive and brilliant! Thank you also for letting me run stuff past you when I couldn’t figure it out by myself. Thank you to K for the handholding, you are wonderful and I fucking adore you! Another thank you goes to V for looking at something with new eyes and telling me whether it worked. You’ve all been wonderful and I appreciate you more than I can express in words.
A big shout-out of eternal gratitude and love goes out to
alisanne for writing a fic that made me see Millicent in a new light and appreciate her as a character. Without you, my darling and your awesomeness and love, this would never have happened. Thank you!Thanks to
dexstarr for the prompt, I hope this fic is somewhat along the lines of what you were hoping for. I was really happy to see a femme!slash prompt out there and had to do it. :)Thank you to the mods for their patience and for making this awesome fest available. ♥ I wasn’t even going to take part in any seasonal fests and then you made it all special and shiny for me! ♥
And to everyone else, this is my first attempt at femme!slash, I’ve been wanting to write some for a while and with C’s first inspiration I found I enjoyed it quite immensely. Thanks for having me!
Acknowledgements: The stanza at the beginning of the fic is a direct quote from that brilliant Christmas song “Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas” I was thinking of either the version by Mel Torme or the one by Tori Amos; thank you to my entire f-list for their input on what the bloody hell one does in a coffee shop when waiting for somebody; and on top of everything, there’s a line in this fic I shamelessly stole from that beautiful 2006 adaption of Jane Eyre, staring Toby Stephens and Ruth Wilson, also, that second to last scene was totally inspired by it as well.
Through The Years - Part 2
“Excuse me, is that seat taken?” A woman from a few tables over that had been eying her for a while asked, before pointing at the chair next to Padma.
“I’m sorry, but I’m waiting for someone.” Padma said. The woman in front of her was beautiful. While she was in a stable relationship that had everything she wanted, she was still able to appreciate beauty if she found it. Padma was happy, utterly, sickeningly, overwhelmingly happy with Millie. Some days she still wondered why Millie had chosen her, why she was so incredibly lucky, but she’d long ago learned that happiness couldn’t be explained or rationalised, it could only be felt and appreciated. Even questioning it hadn’t made it go away.
Padma was so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she didn’t even notice that the woman had slumped into the seat in front of her. She must have been talking for quite a while and misinterpreted Padma’s dreamy look as interest instead of what it was.
“So, as I was saying, my friends and I are going to this great party later tonight, would you like to come. That is seeing as your date has stood you up and everything.” The woman flashed her a charming smile and if Padma had been less content with her situation than she currently was, she would probably at least have been tempted, as it was, that was not the case.
“No, thank you. I’m going to a party with my girlfriend.”
The woman’s face fell, she’d probably never been rejected before. She seemed to be the kind of person who got whatever they wanted. Luckily, so did Padma’s girlfriend and for some reason, the only thing that Millie wanted was her. The woman refused to leave, unwilling to concede defeat, turning that could otherwise have been considered as flattering into something plain annoying.
“No, really, you don’t have to make up a girlfriend. I promise you it’ll be fun.” The woman reached for Padma’s knee and patted it.
“What the fuck?” Padma said, fuming. “Do I have to spell it out for you? Piss off already!” People trying to get between her and Millie still made her furious.
“Listen you little…” Padma ignored her and instead fixed her eyes on the door where she saw Millie entering the coffee shop.
Padma’s heart still beat faster every time she saw her, today was no exception. When Millie walked into the coffee shop, she couldn’t help the goofy smile that spread over her features. Millie brushed some snow off her shoulders and stomped her boots before looking around, trying to find Padma.
Padma waved, getting up and still ignoring the ranting woman beside her. Millie’s smile was brilliant as she saw her and it took less than a minute for her to cross the entire length of the coffee shop and reach Padma’s table. She wrapped Padma in a warm embrace, smelling of cinnamon and mulled wine and something decidedly Millie. She tasted of mulled wine and cinnamon too and Padma smiled against Millie’s lips. When she looked up, the woman who had annoyed her so was gone.
“I’m sorry I’m late.” Millie whispered, still pressing Padma close.
“What happened? I was about to order a second Towanda without you.” Padma replied.
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“Oh, you know I would!” Padma grinned. “And then I’d eat it and kiss you still tasting of it, refusing to let you order one for yourself until I couldn’t taste it on my tongue anymore. You of all people should know what a sensitive tongue I have.”
Millie smacked Padma’s backside slightly and despite her earlier bravado, Padma blushed bright red. Millie knew exactly that Padma didn’t like that kind of behaviour, at least not in public, which is probably why she did it.
“Millie!” She hissed, taking hold of her arm before she could smack her backside again. Millie only grinned in response then leaned in to whisper in her ear.
“That’s for ordering the first one without me.” Millie’s chuckle was warm and her breath hitting Padma’s skin made her shiver. She began regretting meeting in such a public setting, because if they’d been at home this would have led to so much more.
Padma hated Christmas parties; all this forced joviality was making her sick. Why did one have to be happy around Christmas? She never understood that. Getting presents and time off from school to study was sort of nice, but all the other stuff around it, the rushing to decorate, buy presents and most all the being jolly part completely eluded her. And she was smart enough to know there was nothing wrong with her, she might be what people called reserved, but she did know what joy felt like. What all the excitement was about and why she should be scared of or happy about an elderly morbidly obese man in a red coat had made no sense to her, even as a child when one was supposed to believe in such things.
Padma stared down into her half-empty cup of mulled wine. A certain radish-earring wearing girl from her dorm would probably call it half-full, even if that meant it was half-full of Nargles. Padma had no idea why she was even here, at the annual inter house Christmas Party. The last place in the world to find peace and quiet was any Christmas Party, but any such party held at Hogwarts was ten times worse, especially since everyone in the room was old enough to drink and the standards of conversation were falling by the minute. She was ready to give up and go back to her dormitory when someone pinched her in the bottom. Padma would have slapped him but the boy laughed so hard that he fell over, toppling a Christmas tree in the process. She couldn’t help a private smile when the fairy lights began winding around him, tying him up more tightly than a long distance parcel.
Still, it was time to leave, she decided. Padma deposited her half-empty cup on a nearby table and headed for the door and that’s when she saw her. Millie, dressed in Muggle men’s evening wear. They hadn’t talked, not even once since that incident last year and still Padma felt herself trembling at the sight of the girl in front of her. Millie obviously hadn’t seen her. Padma watched her stride into the room as if she owned the place and to Padma she did. Millie inclined her head to the people she knew, lifting off her top hat on occasion and winking if the recipient of such attention blushed.
The Muggle suit must have been tailor made or been adjusted by magic, because it fit her to perfection. Millie was wearing a white waistcoat, a black dress coat with long tails that reached down to her knees and a white bow-tie. Her hair was slicked back and the entire ensemble was finished with a brilliant black top hat. Padma was frozen in place, lucky for her, she had stopped somewhere away from the bright light of the floating candles and couldn’t be seen easily. If anyone had been close enough they would have seen her hands shake as they involuntary moved up to her lips.
Millie was talking to that girl again, Bridget. Oh, how Padma had cursed her existence. But to her surprise, the conversation was short and there was none of the warmth she had seen in Millie’s features whenever she usually talked to Bridget. Bridget was pouting and seeing that almost drove Padma up the wall, because she knew how that pout affected Millie. Millie however just leaned in putting one hand to Bridget’s chest and Padma thought she could see her mouthing a “grow up”, before turning away and continuing across the room.
Padma realised that Millie was heading straight towards her. Millie couldn’t have seen her; she knew she was standing too far to the side and in the shadow for that to happen. Millie was coming ever closer and Padma didn’t know what to do. She felt like she should hide away, being with Millie terrified her more than anything else ever had. She had no control over herself when it came to Millie and maybe that was the scariest thing about it, but then, that one time she’d been with her had been liberating. Padma’s eyes had been opened to the fact of why some things had never worked out for her. Afterwards she hadn’t been able to put Millie out of her mind. Millie was almost upon her and she would walk past her without a single word. Padma’s heart hurt her, it beat so fast. The thought alone of letting Millie walk past her again made her ache in a way she had become all too familiar with.
And when it was almost too late, the small part of her, that was like her sister perked up. Without any conscious thought, she moved forward, stepping into Millie’s way and resting her hand upon her arm. Millie just looked at her, apparently considering it Padma’s turn to initiate anything further. It took Padma an embarrassingly long time to find her voice and when she did, it was trembling, much like her entire body.
“Dance with me, please,” was all Padma managed before falling silent. Where had that come from? She didn’t even know how to dance.
Padma didn’t dare meet Millie’s eyes. At least Millie wasn’t pulling away from her, Padma reasoned. Eventually Millie’s hand covered hers on her arm and for a moment Padma was scared that it was just to pry her trembling fingers off of her, but Millie squeezed her hand reassuringly and led her onto the dance floor.
At first they just stood there, Padma not knowing what to do and becoming increasingly aware of people watching her. She wanted to flee, to run from what scared her so much, but her feet refused to move. Millie eventually took pity on her, and pulled her slowly closer. Padma couldn’t stop staring at her own feet, but let Millie take her hands and place them on her hips, covering them with her own hands. Padma was hypnotised by the swaying motion of Millie’s hips. She wasn’t surprised when Millie’s hands eventually moved to her hips and showed her how to move them in rhythm with her own.
“See, like this. It’s not so scary at all, is it?” Millie asked.
“N-no.” Padma forced out, still unable to look up.
“Then let me show you something else. It’s nice, I promise.” Padma could hear the smile in Millie’s voice and that gave her courage. She looked up as Millie pulled Padma’s arms up and placed them on her shoulders, while wrapping her own hands around Padma’s middle and pulling her closer. Padma’s face was cradled into Millie’s neck and she inhaled her unique scent. Things felt both more tense and relaxed at the same time, Padma closed her eyes, ignoring everything around them letting the music wash over her and revelling in the feeling of Millie’s arms surrounding her.
Millie’s hair tickled her face and Padma loved everything about it. She loved being held, loved Millie taking charge and guiding her every move. She wasn’t prepared when Millie let go of her and spun her around, but just like that she was returned into Millie’s embrace only now her back was pressed against Millie’s front. Padma could feel Millie’s heart beating through her chest--she was as excited as Padma--and that finally stopped her feeling scared. Padma leaned into Millie and felt her breath catch in her throat when Millie nuzzled that soft space just below her ear. A shudder ran through her and she shakily exhaled, not daring to move more for fear Millie would stop her delightful ministrations. Her eyes fluttered shut as she lost herself in the sensation.
The first cat calls brought her out of her daze and she tried to disentangle herself from Millie’s embrace, her face hot with embarrassment. Millie wouldn’t let go and it took her a while to realise that the cat calls were due to some girl who had taken off her bra now dancing on a table. This party was quickly descending into something in which Padma wanted no part and this time when she tried to move away, Millie let her.
“I think we should go,” Millie said and Padma couldn’t agree more. Her heart fluttered in her chest like an excited bird and she allowed Millie to lead her from the room.
Outside the air was much fresher and cooler. Padma could still hear the far-off beat of the music and unresistingly let herself be pulled into a dark alcove. Reminiscent of the first time Millie had kissed her, it wasn’t long before Padma’s back connected with cold stone. Her arms hung limp by her side, and her hands rested against the rough wall. Millie however didn’t touch her. She moved close enough for them to be almost nose to nose and then rested her elbows against the wall. Just waiting and looking at Padma, who could feel her heart speeding up under such scrutiny. She was overwhelmed by the need to move forward, to be as close to Millie as possible, but she couldn’t move.
“Patil, what do you want me to do?” Millie asked, her voice dark and full of promise.
Padma couldn’t stand it, any of it.
“I… I want you to call me Padma.”
Millie chuckled darkly. “I think I can do that. Is there anything else I can do for you, Padma?”
Padma couldn’t speak, she tilted her head slightly, brushing her lips against Millie’s. When she wasn’t denied, Padma pressed her lips more firmly against Millie’s and deepened the kiss. They weren’t touching anywhere but at the lips and still her entire body was infused with a heat so strong that Padma feared she might burst into flames.
“So, what kept you?”
Millie sat down beside Padma; her eyes alight with mirth, and began to tell her of what had happened. Padma loved it when Millie’s face reflected her emotions like that.
“So, I ran into Pansy at Borgin and Burkes. I know what you are going to say, Padma, but you didn’t receive that cursed Quick Quotes Quill for Christmas like I did, not even incinerating worked and, to be honest, I was growing tired of it taking notes every time we slept together.”
Padma’s hand went straight to her mouth. She hadn’t known this, all she knew was that Millie had received a Quick Quotes Quill that refused to take any notes when spoken to. She flushed again.
“So, that time I allowed you to use my school tie…” her voice drifted off. This really was no conversation for a public place.
“Yes. That one, too. It took me all week to figure out where that incessant scratching noise came from. I thought I was going bonkers!” Millie quickly squeezed Padma’s fingers and she was grateful for the reassurance. “As I was saying, I ran into Pansy in the shop. I think she was trying to buy something to take revenge on some guy. I’ll never get why she needs to make every relationship end with a bang, especially since her latest conquest was already on her arm, carrying her shopping. She invited us to her New Year’s Eve Bash, but I said we already had other plans. Unless you want to go?”
Padma shook her head.
“She told me she’d just had to move into a new flat because her ex had kicked her out after finding out about her current lover. Apparently he incinerated all of her belongings and now all she has left is an empty apartment, a mattress, that boy toy of hers and a filthy temper. And in true Pansy-tradition she has decided to celebrate this fact by an extensive shopping spree followed by inebriation. I promised to look in on her next week to help with the decorating. I said we’d both help. I hope that’s okay.”
“Sure.” Padma nodded this time, smiling as she remembered one of those post-split-up parties Pansy had thrown. They were usually incredibly bizarre but lots of fun. And Pansy could afford it, too. Her first husband had cheated on her and even though she had vanished his bollocks in revenge, he had been forced by the court to leave her a sizeable divorce settlement.
“What?” Millie was grinning at her shrewdly.
“Do you remember our first Christmas together?”
Padma couldn’t help but laugh at this, oh did she ever! They had just moved in together. Or rather, they had planned to move in together after Christmas, but both of them had to vacate their flats earlier than expected, which is how they ended up with nowhere to go on Christmas Eve, their flat bare but for a single Christmas tree and a sofa. They had ordered the first take-out that would deliver on Christmas Eve and curled up on the sofa together, watching the tree and plotting what to do about the flat the next day. Despite the mess of having to move on Christmas Eve, it was her favourite Christmas to this day.
“Yes, God! Sometimes, I think I can still feel the armrest of the sofa digging into my back!”
“Well, I don’t remember you complaining about it at the time…” Millie winked at her.
Padma was overcome just with how much she cared for her girlfriend. She impulsively leant over and took Millie’s hand.
“Do you ever wonder how we ended up like this?” Padma asked.
“No. I don’t wonder. I know.”
Padma was cold despite the roaring fire. She was staring at the cheerful lights of their Christmas tree, wrapped in their favourite blanket and trying not to cry. Padma understood why she had had to leave; family first, or so the saying went and still it hurt more than she was willing to admit. Christmas might be the time for family, but Millie had become hers and it was tearing her up inside to be separated from her on this night.
At first Padma had thought she would be able to bear it, but as the time drew nearer and she had to watch Millie pack her things and shrink them, her heart had become heavy. Padma had become very quiet, like she used to be, before she met Millie. In the end she’d left the flat they both shared under the pretence of having to run some last minute errands, when in reality, Padma just couldn’t bear to watch her leave.
Millie had held her close, telling her to soldier up. She said she would be back in a few days and that they’d have a proper Christmas together then. Padma had nodded and smiled, but she knew it hadn’t reached her eyes. How could she be expected to be happy at the prospect of having to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by herself?
The fairy lights swam in front of her eyes. She was no longer able to blink back the tears. Everything was ruined without Millie. Padma had promised herself she wouldn’t cry, she would understand and be reasonable. She had decided to sit down by the tree, read a bit and then get an early night. But it had all gone to hell, when she’d seen the present she’d bought for Millie, still wrapped under the tree, waiting for her to come home and claim it.
They were supposed to meet up with friends during Christmas day. One of them had rented time in an ice rink for them and before Padma had found out that she was going by herself, she had actually looked forward to it. Millie didn’t know how to ice skate and Padma had already envisioned what it would be like to teach her. While both of them still had family, to Padma them being together had become such a big part of her life that she had begun to think of herself and Millie as their own small family. Where Millie was, was her home and there she would always be, with the woman who held her heart so fast, yet tenderly.
Her entire being ached with being parted from Millie. It was stupid, really, but she couldn’t help herself; couldn’t help feeling this way as she couldn’t help her heart beating and her lungs drawing breath. The sadness had begun pervading her the minute the door had closed on Millie. Padma hadn’t been able to bear watching her walk down the small path in front of their home; couldn’t bear watching her growing ever smaller as she walked down the street through the bitter wind, her feet probably crunching with every step for all the snow and salt on the streets.
Padma cried herself to sleep that night, wrapped tightly in the blanket that smelled like Millie. She had wrapped her arms around herself, shaking and sobbing. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks burnt hot, reddened from the salt in her tears. Padma knew she didn’t make a pretty picture and she couldn’t have cared less. She didn’t remember how long she had lain awake, before exhaustion finally claimed her.
She woke a few times during the night but couldn’t make herself get up and go upstairs to sleep in a cold and empty bed. When the fire died down, she began to shiver and slept even more fitfully than before, her dreams filled with images of Millie leaving her behind.
When soft hands brushed hair off her forehead and warm lips pressed a kiss there, Padma didn’t even know whether she was still dreaming or not. She didn’t dare open her eyes, lest reality intruded on this tiny perfect moment that was all hers. The hands came back and stroked and cradled her face in an all too familiar manner. Padma pressed her cheek into the palm of one and reached out to stroke the back of the other with her own.
“Hey.”
Padma couldn’t bear it anymore; she opened her eyes and was glad to see that she wasn’t still dreaming. Millie was kneeling beside the sofa on the thick carpet and looking at her. She was still dressed in a heavy travelling cloak and it looked as if she’d just walked straight here from the door. Padma turned her face, and catching it between her lips and hand, pressed a kiss into the palm of Millie’s hand. What felt like a million questions, but what she knew to be maybe four or five, chased each other around inside her head and she couldn’t quite make up her mind as to which one to ask first.
Why was Millie here? Had something happened? Why had she come back?
“You silly woman,” Millie said fondly, pressing another kiss to Padma’s forehead. “Why didn’t you go to bed?”
“It didn’t feel right.” Padma mumbled, feeling groggy from lack of sleep. “I didn’t want to…” sleep alone, she wanted to say, but couldn’t get the words out. With most things, Padma was incredibly rational, she always listened to her brain, not her heart, because the heart wasn’t smart, it just wanted and desired and usually got her into trouble. When it came to Millie, her brain was no help at all. Where Millie was concerned she was all heart and soul, she was all longing and wanting and desire and in recent years, love. Rationalising what Padma felt for her had never worked, not even when she’d first become aware of her. The intensity of her feelings made her shy still. Padma never had trouble putting her thoughts into words, never. But speaking of her feelings towards Millie always made her feel vulnerable and small and most of the time she was unable to finish her sentences. Luckily Millie seemed to have an extra sense, because she understood Padma anyway.
Millie stood up in one smooth motion and then gathered Padma up in her arms, blanket and all. Padma wrapped her arms around Millie’s neck, like a damsel in distress would have and didn’t mind one bit. She nuzzled her face into Millie’s neck and was content to remain just where she was, feeling utterly cherished and safe. Millie kissed the crown of her head and then carefully carried her up to their bedroom. Padma was lowered down with a tenderness that she knew was all for her. Millie shrugged out of her coat and carelessly let it drop to the floor, toeing of her boots while never breaking eye-contact. She advanced on Padma like a tigress, making her feel both like prey and treasure. Padma shivered in anticipation. She was not to be disappointed.
*****************
When finally they lay beside each other, staring up at the ceiling, feeling sated and happy, Padma felt it was alright to ask the questions, she’d been mulling over earlier. She reached for Millie, taking her hand and bringing it up for a kiss before intertwining their fingers and resting their hands on her chest.
“Why are you back so early?” she asked, desperately needing to know.
Millie turned her face towards her and when Padma still stared at the ceiling, she squeezed her hand once and began to speak.
“Look at me, please.”
Padma couldn’t help but obey. She felt too open, too raw; her emotions too close to the surface after their earlier activities and still too hurt, because Millie hat left her at all. Facing her was the last thing Padma wanted to do. Millie began stroking the back of her hand while speaking, obviously not even aware she was doing it.
“Listen, I’m sorry.” Millie said, obviously sensing the question Padma had been desperately trying not to ask, because it would make her seem like a jealous, insecure fool. “I knew I shouldn’t have left the minute that door closed behind me. Christmas is about family and sticking together.” Padma’s felt her face close up to Millie and started tugging at her hand, trying to get Millie to let go. “No, Padma, you aren’t listening to me. My point is, you are my family, too. I spent the entire night lying awake, trying to figure out what had made leaving seem like a good idea and I couldn’t come up with a single reason as to why I wasn’t with you. When I realised that, I packed my things, left a note for my aunt and came straight here.”
Padma took a shuddering breath when she heard those words.
“I guess what I’m saying is that I want to be with you, want to share my life with you, every day.”
Padma threw herself at Millie then, kissing her possessively. Her mind filled by a single word, which seemed to repeat itself over and over again. And she thought it with a fierce kind of joy. Mine!
Millie laughed, pulling her close and gently stroking her lower back.
Pressing kisses all over Millie’s face, throat and neck, Padma’s words came out slightly mangled. “Merlin, I’ve waited forever for you to say that!”
Millie pinched Padma in her backside, making her screech in mock outrage. She retaliated by tickling Millie until she begged for mercy. Millie suddenly became serious again, she cradled Padma’s face in her hands, holding Padma’s gaze with her own. “I really mean what I said, you know that, right?”
“Yes.” Padma whispered, “I feel the same way.”
Millie flipped them over so they were lying side by side again, facing each other, entangling her legs with Padma’s and wrapping an arm around her middle, caressing her skin.
“I’m glad.” She continued stroking Padma’s hip. “It’s still early; do you think we could have a lie-in and meet your friends a bit later? I know you’ve been looking forward to teaching me how to ice skate.”
“All right,” Padma replied. She had got the best Christmas present ever. Not many people were that lucky, she knew. She smiled contently, before letting her eyes drift shut.
“Oh and Millie?”
“Yes.”
“Happy Christmas!”
They are the last patrons to be ushered out of the coffee shop. It’s cold outside and their breath rise into the starlit night sky in small white clouds. Millie tugs Padma’s scarf around her neck, making sure her skin is covered and then hoisting her in for a tender kiss, while behind them the lit sign proclaiming “Top of the Muffin” flickers once and then gets turned off.
There’s hardly anyone around at this time. Most people are already at parties or at home with their family and friends. Padma shrinks their shopping bags and stuffs them in the pockets of her coat, she’s clumsy because of her mittens and cursing herself inwardly, but when she looks up and sees the fond look on Millie’s face, she doesn’t mind all that much anymore.
Millie reaches for her and intertwines their hands. Their feet make crunching noises with every step and even though most of the snow has already turned into slush, it doesn’t seem to reduce the beauty of the moment.
They can hear children laugh and then the sound of firecrackers going off in the distance. The entire street is suddenly lit as a skyrocket quickly ascends and then burst into glittering stars, showering them in golden sparks. A plume of white smoke is all that is left afterwards and Padma cannot keep her eyes off it, as it slowly dissipates. She tightens her hold on Millie’s hand. She doesn’t know what the future holds, doesn’t know whether love will stay with her, but for now she has Millie and if tonight goes well, she’ll have her forever.
They lay naked beside each other, panting and bodies still glistening with sweat. This was not the first time they had been together. They were both exhausted, from weeks of fear of hiding from the Carrows, from persecution. The weight of the inevitable battle in front of them brought them to their knees some days. They had been forced to grow up too fast and it had become more and more difficult to steal these small moments away from everything, when it was just the two of them.
They hadn’t talked about the war, about where their loyalties lay and it was beginning to eat Padma up inside that she didn’t know, could never be sure. This thing they had was still new to her, it seemed so fragile when they were apart and she was terrified of breaking it by asking. At the same time she felt bad for not trusting Millie, for not being able to believe in her. There was so much Padma still didn’t know about her and it almost drove her crazy. Despite all her perceptibility, Padma sometimes needed things spelled out for her. What she feels was always so confusing, so intense, it defied rational thought.
She treasured these moments of clarity, just after everything reached its peak and she was slowly carried back to reality. The need to feel was still strong, but in these moments of blissful fatigue rational thought intruded, not like the dear friend it once was, but the enemy that had just broken down the gates.
She needed to ask her, needed to do it now. Padma had to make sure that everything was fine and would be even after the war. But all that she managed was not even a sound but a single shaky breath, exhaled too slowly to even bring relief. If only words weren’t such a necessity, if only she could communicate without having to utter them.
Talking had become harder with every passing day, fear of what was to come wouldn’t leave her alone and as much as could be communicated by touch and looks, it wasn’t enough. Was Millie even thinking about these things, she wondered. Or was this just something to pass the time, while the bombs fell, only to return out into the world afterwards, when the skies had cleared. Would Millie go and find someone else, the moment she had better choices?
Padma couldn’t bear it anymore; she turned her face away, feeling herself tense up. She should leave. She swung her legs out of bed, hissing slightly as her feet hit the cold stone floor of the dungeons. Padma began to shiver and it spread from her thighs to her stomach. Even wrapping her arms around her didn’t seem to help like it used to. She felt vulnerable in Millie’s gaze; which she could feel boring into her back. Leaving would be the better choice. It wouldn’t do to break down and cry now, nobody wanted to see that, least of all Millie. Padma still didn’t know why she was even still with her, when there were so many more attractive options out there.
She could hear the rustle of the bed sheets as Millie shifted behind her. The mattress dipped under her weight as she climbed over to Padma, kneeling behind her and wrapping her strong arms around her waist. Padma could feel her naked breasts press into her back and still couldn’t make herself relax.
“Hey, are you leaving? What’s wrong?” Millie sounded genuinely concerned.
“I don’t know.” Do you want me to? Padma wanted to ask, one sentence too many she would never be able to make herself say out loud.
“Come back to bed so we can talk about it.”
Padma nodded mutely, allowing Millie to pull her back into bed, covering her shivering frame with her own much sturdier body. Padma felt safe and protected in Millie’s embrace. She reached up to gently hold onto Millie’s wrist, while Millie was caressing her face. It was impossible not to look into her eyes. Padma felt exposed to her soul.
“So tell me, what’s wrong? Is it because of what’s to come?”
It took Padma a long time to find her voice.
“Yes and no. I think we both know which side is going to win this war. He has always come through for us in the end. I don’t think You-Know-Who can beat him. I have to believe it, because a world in which he can win is not a world I want to live in.” And there it was, she’d finally said it out loud. Would now be the moment that Millie turned on her?
Millie was quiet for a long time, longer than Padma was comfortable with; even Millie’s caressing of her hair had stopped. Padma wanted to be anywhere but where she was, she was trapped under Millie’s weight even though it was mostly resting on her own elbows and not Padma herself. She wanted to fight her way out from underneath her and yet she couldn’t even move. She was paralyzed, trapped in Millie’s intense gaze, unable to even so much as draw breath. Her hand against Millie’s grew limp and when it slipped away, it finally spurred Millie into action. She cradled Padma’s face in her big hands, stroking her cheeks and leaning down once to kiss her, before speaking.
“That’s not a world I want to live in either.” Padma was so relieved by those words that she couldn’t reply for a moment and when she did it was entirely non-verbally. Her hands were back on Millie, running all over her back and hips and then pressing her so close Padma was sure she could hear her rib cage creak. She buried her face in Millie’s hair, willing herself not to cry.
“I…” she never managed to finish that sentence, because soft lips were pressed firmly against hers. When she stopped struggling and melted into the kiss, Millie pulled back, going back to stroking Padma’s face and throat.
“You silly creature! Of course I don’t want him to win! Why didn’t you just ask me?”
Padma couldn’t even make herself answer that question.
“Was it one of those things, where you care too much and can’t find the right words, so you don’t say anything at all?”
Padma was stunned. How had Millie known? She could only nod.
“I thought so. I tried to show you through my actions how much I care for you but I figured out that wasn’t enough anymore. Do you trust me now? Trust me enough to tell me how you feel?”
She took a deep breath to calm herself; she couldn’t look at Millie and say this without making it feel like some kind of betrayal.
“You have to leave. They’ll find you and hunt you down. It’s not safe!”
“And I suppose it’s safe for you to stay? So taking a few defence classes turned you into some kind of super soldier?” Millie replied angrily. “Look at me, Padma. Is that what you think, that I can’t take care of myself? I just told you that I cared about you, that I wanted to be with you and now you want me to leave? Where’s the logic in that?”
Millie tried to pull away, but this time it was Padma who held her fast.
“No, listen, that’s not what I meant at all.” If only she could find the right words! “If our side wins, they’ll think you were involved somehow and…and I couldn’t bear it if they tried to lock you away.”
Millie pondered on this some more and took her time before replying.
“Why can’t I fight with you, then?”
“They’ll think that you are a spy or something. All the Slytherins are leaving Millie, if you stay behind, it won’t be safe for you.”
“Come with me, then.”
“You know I can’t. I have to stay here. We will win and I need to be here to make that happen. I can’t leave and worry about everyone else and I can’t stay and fight without knowing you are safe. Please, Millie, stay safe, for me.”
“How can your flesh be so soft, yet your mind be so unyielding?” Millie’s voice sounded both resigned and curious at the same time. Padma knew Millie would leave like she had asked and it broke her heart.
“Don’t be reckless, Padma. Promise me you’ll be careful?”
“I will.”
“And promise me something else?”
“Anything.”
“Promise me you’ll look me up, when the war is over, all right? If that hasn’t been clear by now, I want you with me. There is no one I want more.”
***********
Padma’s heart was heavy as she watched Millie leave with the others. It had been the right choice, hadn’t it? Millie turned around once more, finding Padma’s eyes and motioning to her right robe pocket. They had said their quiet farewells earlier, far away from everyone else, they had hugged and kissed and Padma had tried and failed not to cry.
When they had left and everyone began to bustle around once more to finish the last of the preparations, Padma snuck away. She needed some fresh air. When she reached one of the smaller courtyards, she sat down on a bench and reached into her pocket. There was a small folded piece of parchment inside. She unfolded it carefully, spreading and flattening it softly against her thigh. Padma took a deep, calming breath and began to read.
Dear Padma,
Farewells are always such hardship. I can never find the right words when the moment finally comes. I know you are trying to be strong and I know you are. You are a survivor, Padma, I know it and if making me leave helps you to get through this unscathed, who am I to stop you? Maybe I’m being selfish in wanting you to get through this, because it would mean I could have you all to myself once more. I want to know what it’s like to be with you when we aren’t scared that tonight might be the last night we can be together. I want to say “I love you” right out loud and not just think it, worrying that you won’t be able to say it back.
I’ll wait for you, Padma, every day. I’ll wait until I can hold you in my arms again. I shall not rest easy until I know you to be safe. So please, don’t be a hero, there’s stupid boys with terrible hair and ridiculous glasses to do that. You are my heroine and I desperately hope that’s enough for you.
Yours, always,
Millicent
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-12-25 12:40 am (UTC)This was wonderful, sweetie! I love your nuanced Padma who grows into herself and her life, and of course, your Millie is brilliant, too. So strong, so sure of exactly what she wants, and so very preceptive.
You chose a fascinating way to tell the story, too, alternating the modern day with flashbacks.
Great job with this! You really made these characters quite three-dimensional.
Bravo! *claps*
no subject
Date: 2012-01-09 02:52 am (UTC)I'm so glad you enjoyed this! I wanted to try something completely new (for me) and I'm really happy it worked out the way it did.
I love telling stories like this (somehow this has become my modus operandi O.o) and it makes me happy that you liked it! *clings and squishes* thank you so very very very very much!!! ♥
no subject
Date: 2012-01-03 03:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-09 02:48 am (UTC)I read a very lovely Millicent/Hermione fic a while back that convinced me how awesome Millie was, so I wanted to write her with someone else and Padma just sort of crept up on me.
I'm so glad you enjoyed reading this. I had a great time writing it and I really want to write more of maybe these two, or another pairing soon. I'm so glad that came across where Padma is concerned.
Thank you for your kind comment! ♥