Concentrated Heaven
Dec. 14th, 2009 09:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mini_fest_mod posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
mini_festTitle: Concentrated Heaven
Author/Artist:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
amorettea
Disclaimer: blahblahblah
Rating: G
Warnings: silliness
Prompts: 67. Sirius & Sev - Christmas ghosts must work together to bring Harry & Draco together.
A/N: I don’t really like Sirius, which led to this rather bent version of the prompt. Where my mind goes and why never ceases to amaze and/or horrify me.
Severus Snape’s last thought as he closed his eyes and lay back on the filthy, blood-soaked floor of the Shrieking Shack was “Good. That’s done with. Now, oblivion.”
Unfortunately for Severus, he discovered that that which he had dreaded all his life was true. There was an Afterlife. He was very annoyed. His temper didn’t improve as he was forced to confront various of the dead of whom he had hoped he had seen the last.
Starting, naturally, with Albus Effing Dumbledore, who treated Severus like a long lost son, embracing him and gushing over how sorry Dumbledore was that he had treated Severus like a piece of shit and how brave and noble Severus was until Severus discovered that while it was not possible to hex someone in the Afterlife, it was possible to be rude enough that you could drive that person away.
He tried being rude to Remus Lupin, upped his unpleasantness to new heights for James Potter and was even cross with Lily Evans. Yes, he had loved her all his life but if she hadn’t been such a stupid bint as to marry that utter bastard James Potter, everyone involved would have been better off. Well, maybe not James Potter but Severus certainly didn’t give a damn about James Sodding Potter.
He was obnoxious to whichever Weasley it was that was dead, positively dreadful to that stupid girl Lupin got in the club and made his own dead grandmother, whom he had never liked, cry.
After that, he was pretty much left alone by everyone. Lily Evans would wander by and sigh heavily now and again but he ignored it and even she gave up.
Then, when he discovered that, by force of will and concentration, he could get away from everyone, he did.
Severus Snape had several amazing mental qualities, aside from his general cleverness and ability to shield his mind from the probes of nosy wizards and witches. Some were well known, like is ability to concentrate. Some, like his gift with the Times crosswords, were deeply kept secrets. Severus and Severus alone knew how he almost always finished a Times crossword at one sitting, even if he had to sit for several hours to do so. He discovered, if he concentrated hard enough in the Afterlife, he could sit in a comfortable chair overlooking a rather nice bit of sea and work endlessly on crosswords.
Really good ones, too, that made him furrow his brow and use his eraser frequently. Even better, his tea was always just right, he never tore the paper whilst erasing, and he never had to interrupt a good think to pee.
After some effort, Severus Snape had a perfect Afterlife.
Until Sirius Bloody Black, that utterly useless pillock, made an appearance.
“I say, Severus,” said Sirius Black, wafting up from somewhere beyond the horizon. “Could I have a word?”
Severus did not reply. He did not deign to look up from 27 across. He did not notice Black, who was wearing a velvet suit the color of ripe plums that made him look a right ponce, smiling at him. He tried not to, anyway.
“Severus, really, it’s important.”
Severus lowered his crossword briefly to glare at Black and add, after a moment’s thought, “Fuck off.”
“Ah,” said Black triumphantly, sitting down on a chair that appeared just as his bum made contact. All sorts of curves and carvings and gilded woodwork made up the chair, just the sort of thing a spoilt pureblood would sit on without thinking about it.
“I knew I could count on you.”
“Did you now? Throughout our entire acquaintance, you treated me with complete and utter contempt and made it quite clear that you thought I should be hexed into Oblivion instantly if not sooner. “
Black smiled again. “Well, yes, but that was before I knew the truth about you! After Dumbledore died, he explained everything to me, about how noble and self-sacrificing you were and. . .”
“Shut it, you blithering idiot, and piss off.”
“Right. I should have known compliments wouldn’t work on you. So, I’ll just get to the point.”
Aha, thought Severus. 27 across was hardanger. Now that was just too easy. He’d have to concentrate on getting a better crossword next time.
“It’s about Harry, you see, and I know that Harry’s happiness is very important to you.”
Lowering the crossword again, Severus Snape gave Sirius Black the sort of glare that would have caused most students, and members of faculty, for that matter, to wet themselves, were Snape alive and in the hallways of Hogwarts. It even managed to singe Black a bit, based on the way he swallowed nervously and shifted in his fancy chair.
“Harry Potter is not dead. That is what matters to me. I fulfilled any promises I made, stated or implied, by making sure that blithering twit lived long enough to do what he had to do. After that, I don’t give a damn.” Severus snapped the crossword back up.
“He’s marrying Ginny Weasley.”
“Too bad but I still don’t care.”
“He doesn’t love her.”
“Remember my previous remark.”
“I need you to help him get together with the real love his life!” Black stood up and his chair vanished. Severus was glad to see it go. Now if he could only get rid of Black. He’d have to concentrate harder. He set down the crossword.
“Again, why should I care?”
Black through his arms wide and shouted, “Because you can get through to Draco Malfoy!”
There was a long pause. Severus could hear the waves crashing on the rocks below. He loved that sound, the rhythmic whoosh whoosh. It helped him concentrate.
“I beg your pardon,” Severus said long after the pause had become uncomfortable. “What does Draco Malfoy have to do with. . .”
“HE is Harry’s one true love!”
Severus blinked. It wasn’t often he was surprised. He was a clever man, after all, and usually saw any surprises coming a mile away. Still, this was a surprise. Black nodded encouragingly while Severus collected his thoughts.
“Draco Malfoy is Harry Potter’s what?”
Black grinned. “One true love. Oh, don’t pretend you didn’t see it. All that unresolved sexual tension between them. Those smoldering stares.”
“Those mutual attempts to hex each other.”
“Merely an expression of their repressed desires! Anyway, I have this brilliant plan. It’s almost Christmas, that most loving and wonderful time of the year. Trees and presents and mistletoe and all that. The perfect time for two godfathers to appear in spirit form to help guide their godsons to happiness.”
Severus nearly said he wasn’t all that fond of Christmas when something else struck him. “I wasn’t Potter’s godfather.”
A brief frown skipped across Black’s face. “Surely you were Draco Malfoy’s.”
“Good lord, Black. You were related to the Malfoys! Can you picture that arrogant pile of unicorn shit that was and, sadly, still is Lucius Malfoy and your arrogant and no doubt frigid cousin Narcissa Black choosing a poverty-stricken, lower class half blood to be their son’s godfather? I can just picture your sainted mother attending that ceremony!”
Black looked around nervously. “Don’t mention her. I’ve been avoiding her since I died.”
Severus didn’t say anything but had to admit that even Black was wise enough to avoid that miserable harridan.
“No, I am not Draco Malfoy’s godfather. I’m not anyone’s godfather. The very thought sickens me. So, now that that is clear, allow me to repeat myself. Piss. Off.”
To Severus’ horror, Black dropped to his knees in front of Severus’ chair. “Please, Severus, old boy, Harry and Draco shouldn’t be forced into marriage with women they don’t love when they love each other!”
“Black, you poncy git. Draco Malfoy was shagging his way through half the girls in Hogwarts by the time was fifteen, just like his father. And as for Potter’s sexual inclinations, I have no idea and even less interest but I am quite sure he does not lust after any member of the clan Malfoy.” Severus shuddered, just a little, at the thought. “And nobody is forcing anybody. This isn’t the Middle Ages. Those idiot boys can marry who they choose. Or stay single and shag like rabbits for all I care. NOW GO AWAY!”
Severus could tell Black was winding up to say something else. He could tell by the mad glean in Black’s eyes, by the way he was tensing his arms as if to grasp Snape. There was only one choice.
Concentration. The crossword vanished. The tea table melted away like mist. Even Severus’ comfy chair disappeared as Snape rose from it. The roar of the sea below, however, grew louder.
Black gave a high-pitched little squeak as Severus Snape lifted him bodily (bodily in spirit, as neither of them actually had bodies just at the moment) and tossed Black over the cliff down to the unseen sea.
The chair reappeared, cushions freshly plumped. The tea table reformed, a gleaming silver pot steaming away, a few of Severus’ favorite sandwiches on the tray. A brand new and fiendishly complex crossword, along with several freshly sharpened pencils, resolved themselves on the arm of the chair.
Severus sat down, picked up a pencil, gestured at the tea to pour itself, and began with one down.
Author/Artist:
amoretteaDisclaimer: blahblahblah
Rating: G
Warnings: silliness
Prompts: 67. Sirius & Sev - Christmas ghosts must work together to bring Harry & Draco together.
A/N: I don’t really like Sirius, which led to this rather bent version of the prompt. Where my mind goes and why never ceases to amaze and/or horrify me.
Severus Snape’s last thought as he closed his eyes and lay back on the filthy, blood-soaked floor of the Shrieking Shack was “Good. That’s done with. Now, oblivion.”
Unfortunately for Severus, he discovered that that which he had dreaded all his life was true. There was an Afterlife. He was very annoyed. His temper didn’t improve as he was forced to confront various of the dead of whom he had hoped he had seen the last.
Starting, naturally, with Albus Effing Dumbledore, who treated Severus like a long lost son, embracing him and gushing over how sorry Dumbledore was that he had treated Severus like a piece of shit and how brave and noble Severus was until Severus discovered that while it was not possible to hex someone in the Afterlife, it was possible to be rude enough that you could drive that person away.
He tried being rude to Remus Lupin, upped his unpleasantness to new heights for James Potter and was even cross with Lily Evans. Yes, he had loved her all his life but if she hadn’t been such a stupid bint as to marry that utter bastard James Potter, everyone involved would have been better off. Well, maybe not James Potter but Severus certainly didn’t give a damn about James Sodding Potter.
He was obnoxious to whichever Weasley it was that was dead, positively dreadful to that stupid girl Lupin got in the club and made his own dead grandmother, whom he had never liked, cry.
After that, he was pretty much left alone by everyone. Lily Evans would wander by and sigh heavily now and again but he ignored it and even she gave up.
Then, when he discovered that, by force of will and concentration, he could get away from everyone, he did.
Severus Snape had several amazing mental qualities, aside from his general cleverness and ability to shield his mind from the probes of nosy wizards and witches. Some were well known, like is ability to concentrate. Some, like his gift with the Times crosswords, were deeply kept secrets. Severus and Severus alone knew how he almost always finished a Times crossword at one sitting, even if he had to sit for several hours to do so. He discovered, if he concentrated hard enough in the Afterlife, he could sit in a comfortable chair overlooking a rather nice bit of sea and work endlessly on crosswords.
Really good ones, too, that made him furrow his brow and use his eraser frequently. Even better, his tea was always just right, he never tore the paper whilst erasing, and he never had to interrupt a good think to pee.
After some effort, Severus Snape had a perfect Afterlife.
Until Sirius Bloody Black, that utterly useless pillock, made an appearance.
“I say, Severus,” said Sirius Black, wafting up from somewhere beyond the horizon. “Could I have a word?”
Severus did not reply. He did not deign to look up from 27 across. He did not notice Black, who was wearing a velvet suit the color of ripe plums that made him look a right ponce, smiling at him. He tried not to, anyway.
“Severus, really, it’s important.”
Severus lowered his crossword briefly to glare at Black and add, after a moment’s thought, “Fuck off.”
“Ah,” said Black triumphantly, sitting down on a chair that appeared just as his bum made contact. All sorts of curves and carvings and gilded woodwork made up the chair, just the sort of thing a spoilt pureblood would sit on without thinking about it.
“I knew I could count on you.”
“Did you now? Throughout our entire acquaintance, you treated me with complete and utter contempt and made it quite clear that you thought I should be hexed into Oblivion instantly if not sooner. “
Black smiled again. “Well, yes, but that was before I knew the truth about you! After Dumbledore died, he explained everything to me, about how noble and self-sacrificing you were and. . .”
“Shut it, you blithering idiot, and piss off.”
“Right. I should have known compliments wouldn’t work on you. So, I’ll just get to the point.”
Aha, thought Severus. 27 across was hardanger. Now that was just too easy. He’d have to concentrate on getting a better crossword next time.
“It’s about Harry, you see, and I know that Harry’s happiness is very important to you.”
Lowering the crossword again, Severus Snape gave Sirius Black the sort of glare that would have caused most students, and members of faculty, for that matter, to wet themselves, were Snape alive and in the hallways of Hogwarts. It even managed to singe Black a bit, based on the way he swallowed nervously and shifted in his fancy chair.
“Harry Potter is not dead. That is what matters to me. I fulfilled any promises I made, stated or implied, by making sure that blithering twit lived long enough to do what he had to do. After that, I don’t give a damn.” Severus snapped the crossword back up.
“He’s marrying Ginny Weasley.”
“Too bad but I still don’t care.”
“He doesn’t love her.”
“Remember my previous remark.”
“I need you to help him get together with the real love his life!” Black stood up and his chair vanished. Severus was glad to see it go. Now if he could only get rid of Black. He’d have to concentrate harder. He set down the crossword.
“Again, why should I care?”
Black through his arms wide and shouted, “Because you can get through to Draco Malfoy!”
There was a long pause. Severus could hear the waves crashing on the rocks below. He loved that sound, the rhythmic whoosh whoosh. It helped him concentrate.
“I beg your pardon,” Severus said long after the pause had become uncomfortable. “What does Draco Malfoy have to do with. . .”
“HE is Harry’s one true love!”
Severus blinked. It wasn’t often he was surprised. He was a clever man, after all, and usually saw any surprises coming a mile away. Still, this was a surprise. Black nodded encouragingly while Severus collected his thoughts.
“Draco Malfoy is Harry Potter’s what?”
Black grinned. “One true love. Oh, don’t pretend you didn’t see it. All that unresolved sexual tension between them. Those smoldering stares.”
“Those mutual attempts to hex each other.”
“Merely an expression of their repressed desires! Anyway, I have this brilliant plan. It’s almost Christmas, that most loving and wonderful time of the year. Trees and presents and mistletoe and all that. The perfect time for two godfathers to appear in spirit form to help guide their godsons to happiness.”
Severus nearly said he wasn’t all that fond of Christmas when something else struck him. “I wasn’t Potter’s godfather.”
A brief frown skipped across Black’s face. “Surely you were Draco Malfoy’s.”
“Good lord, Black. You were related to the Malfoys! Can you picture that arrogant pile of unicorn shit that was and, sadly, still is Lucius Malfoy and your arrogant and no doubt frigid cousin Narcissa Black choosing a poverty-stricken, lower class half blood to be their son’s godfather? I can just picture your sainted mother attending that ceremony!”
Black looked around nervously. “Don’t mention her. I’ve been avoiding her since I died.”
Severus didn’t say anything but had to admit that even Black was wise enough to avoid that miserable harridan.
“No, I am not Draco Malfoy’s godfather. I’m not anyone’s godfather. The very thought sickens me. So, now that that is clear, allow me to repeat myself. Piss. Off.”
To Severus’ horror, Black dropped to his knees in front of Severus’ chair. “Please, Severus, old boy, Harry and Draco shouldn’t be forced into marriage with women they don’t love when they love each other!”
“Black, you poncy git. Draco Malfoy was shagging his way through half the girls in Hogwarts by the time was fifteen, just like his father. And as for Potter’s sexual inclinations, I have no idea and even less interest but I am quite sure he does not lust after any member of the clan Malfoy.” Severus shuddered, just a little, at the thought. “And nobody is forcing anybody. This isn’t the Middle Ages. Those idiot boys can marry who they choose. Or stay single and shag like rabbits for all I care. NOW GO AWAY!”
Severus could tell Black was winding up to say something else. He could tell by the mad glean in Black’s eyes, by the way he was tensing his arms as if to grasp Snape. There was only one choice.
Concentration. The crossword vanished. The tea table melted away like mist. Even Severus’ comfy chair disappeared as Snape rose from it. The roar of the sea below, however, grew louder.
Black gave a high-pitched little squeak as Severus Snape lifted him bodily (bodily in spirit, as neither of them actually had bodies just at the moment) and tossed Black over the cliff down to the unseen sea.
The chair reappeared, cushions freshly plumped. The tea table reformed, a gleaming silver pot steaming away, a few of Severus’ favorite sandwiches on the tray. A brand new and fiendishly complex crossword, along with several freshly sharpened pencils, resolved themselves on the arm of the chair.
Severus sat down, picked up a pencil, gestured at the tea to pour itself, and began with one down.
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Date: 2009-12-14 08:11 pm (UTC)Nice job!
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Date: 2010-01-03 09:15 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-01-03 09:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-17 02:37 am (UTC)Lovely. This view of afterlife!Snape amuses me muchly. Thank you!
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Date: 2010-01-03 09:20 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2009-12-30 04:53 am (UTC)Severus discovered that while it was not possible to hex someone in the Afterlife, it was possible to be rude enough that you could drive that person away. . .He was obnoxious to whichever Weasley it was that was dead
Hahaha!
began with one down
*dies from the perfectness of this line*
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Date: 2010-01-03 09:23 pm (UTC)